Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.