Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

I only treason on days ending in y

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL