me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
At least he brought enough for everyone
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.