me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING