Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.