Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.