Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

Husband of the year 😂

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?