Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them