“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy