Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!