mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
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I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.