mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
