MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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How actors in movies eat their food
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?