*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
spicy snake
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics