Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Have kids, they said

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*