Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

😂🍻

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.