Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I forgot how to panic. Help
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂