Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

The most accurate map ever devised.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ