Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

gentlemen, hear me out

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.