Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.