Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Monday

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

This is what makes twitter great

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love