Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Don’t forget to tip your server

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

Happens to everyone.

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”