Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”