Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Wake me when AI does housework

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

I have a new favorite meme page

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.