Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day