Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

another case of gang violins

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

need him

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright