Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Banking tips
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…