Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Hero horse inspires millions

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

even bears disappoint their mothers

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.