Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”