Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
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I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time