Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…