Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.