Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

bout dat hot dog summer

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.