Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Always the vampires
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
asked my bf how work was today
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you