Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
i smell a pulitzer
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Traveler’s camo
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
every olympics i turn into this guy
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
A recipe for laughter
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.