Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this