Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”