mechanics be like
You Might Also Like
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
HR said no more nunchucks.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.