mechanics be like
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.