Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.