Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.