Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.