Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff