Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…