Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

tell em, edith-anne

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.