Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.