Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

I am a gravy boat captain

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.