ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
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Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.