ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Received some very disappointing news today
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?