Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

I’m about to risk it all

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi