ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”