Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Dammit Chief not again

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Just say no

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world