Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed