Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
You Might Also Like
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”