Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

😂

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.