Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.