Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?