MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
This makes total sense…
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
