Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up