MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage