Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”