Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

No chill.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Managing expectations

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.