@PostCultRev

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

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@KrangTNelson

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

@somecleverthing

Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”

@Crunk_Jews

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once

@dubstep4dads

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@Kendragarden

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does