MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Life cycle of cat
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”