Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME