Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
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The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it