Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??