Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thursday Thought.

This is true.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut