Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
You Might Also Like
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.